Only You can make every new day seem so new
I look at him and I see someone that I should want to date, should admire, should find ridiculously attractive, and yet he fall short of all these things. It makes me laugh to realize what I built him up to be in my mind. This “perfect” Christian guy. He falls short. Always. I am praying for you. Things may have turned out less than perfect, but you are still my brother in Christ. And even though we made mistakes, I refuse to judge you on the person you were when we dated. I don’t want to be judged by who I was even ten minutes ago. I am constantly changing, and so are you. I hope that you find the peace and acceptance we were both searching for in each other. I now know why we couldn’t work and why we were so unhappy. I hope you realize why, too. I pray the God moves in you in such a way that all you think about is Him. I want to see you molded into an unstoppable force for Him that some woman someday will be so lucky to catch. But only in His timing.
Here I am, looking to all these things to complete me. The more I looked toward them, the more unhappy I was. But I’m facing the One who CAN complete me. And I am excited for what has been happening. The more I look toward God for my comfort, wholeness, and support, the less I am disappointed. I am realizing where I’ve been placing my worth and happiness, and it’s no wonder I’ve been so miserable. God has been speaking, and up until this point, I have been doing my very best to ignore Him.
YOU HAVE MY ATTENTION NOW!! :) Seriously. Every time I read something or go to a Christian event, He practically shoves a lesson in my face.
I am ready to stop running. I am ready to serve. I am looking for Your guidance. I am listening to You.
I never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop
So I’ve been getting closer in my walk with God lately, and with that has come some strange events. First, every sermon I hear, scripture I read, book I skim, all of them are covering the topic of looking to God only and forgiveness. Two things I’ve really, really been struggling with for the past few years. So, slowly, I’ve been trying to apply this to my life. I talked to one person I was sure hated me, and we ended up hanging out and watching a movie? Weird. Then, since I can’t seem to bring myself to get over a certain guy who hurt me and his best friend… who I simply don’t like because she rubbed me the wrong way (bad reason, I know).
So what am I looking at? Looking for? Why am I not forgiving? I really don’t know. I’ve been through so many challenging situations this past year, and I definitely have not come out on top. There were so many situations where God was asking, “Is it Me, or it it ____?” I think we all know what I had been choosing.
My awesome friend told me to read James. So I started last night. Chapter 1. Two verses really stuck out to me as something that I should pay attention to.
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.” James 1:2-3
“My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,” James 1:19
So I should be rejoicing because I am developing perseverance. And really, I am grateful that I went through some of the things I did, not my choices, but the outcomes, because I have learned so much about myself, God, and relationships. The second verse really got me because, well, it’s definitely not me. There are a lot of issues I’m angry about that I should probably let go. So that’s one of my challenges this week. Forgiveness.
And of my unashamed love
Lately, God has been speaking to me in HUGE ways. I would literally have to be dead not to notice. Well, tonight was no exception.
Tonight I went to OCF and there was this amazing woman, Tammy Smith, who spoke. She talked about how we put our value in other people, things, ideas, etc. How we are created to worship, but how that can be our downfall if we choose to worship something or someone other than God. Every point she made hit home in some way with me. Here I am, looking for affirmation and significance in everyone and everything else other than God, when really all I have to do is look up. I also have been living with regret and the inability to forgive myself, and others, for things that have happened.
After hearing Tammy speak, I realized that all I have to do is surrender it all to Him. So, God, take it:
The actions I should never have taken
My relationship with my father
The “relationships” I have put before You
The words I have said in anger and jealousy
Issues with my body-image
I want people to wonder what I am looking at, and turn their heads in Your direction. I want to be a light for You on this campus. I want people to say “I want what she has.” And I want them to feel like they can approach me. After everything I’ve heard, seen, felt in the past few years, I know that You have made me special. I know that I am not like everyone else. I was not made to be part of “the crowd” and I think I’m finally becoming ok with that. You have been blessing me in so many amazing ways lately and I am SO excited to see what is in store in the future.
I thank God for unanswered prayers
My aunt is adorable. I asked her to burn me the Taylor Swift CD because I’m in love with her right now (something about that teenage angst that comes flooding back when you go through a breakup) and she not only did that for me, but she made 2 mix CD’s of breakup songs. Who knew that I would enjoy so much country? Of course she included the necessary Reba, mostly because I adore her, but she also added other amazing randomness. Basically, my aunt rocks. I can definitely say that every day God blesses me unexpectedly. My favorite song, at the moment, from these CDs is a Garth Brooks song called “Unanswered Prayers”. I know that she picked that one out for a reason. So thank you Aunt Jill. You have definitely inspired and encouraged me for the next few days.
All these things that keep happening are just reassuring me that God is not only beside me, but this is in His plan for me. Every time I start feeling a bit blue, He sends me little reminders that He’s right here, waiting for me to lean on Him. So that’s what I’m doing. Only I’m pretty much asking Him to hold me upright.
Just a side note: I gave blood for the first time today. :) I finally got the chance. That’s for you mom.
I’ve got you under my skin
I went home this weekend for a night, mostly because I needed a day to sort out my thoughts. This proved to be a wise move. Today I was driving back to college from home and… I can’t even explain what was going on. I was listening to Ingrid Michaelson (who has been continuously in my CD play in my car since I got the CD) and I just felt this urge to turn off my music and talk to God. So that’s what I did for, probably, half an hour. I laughed, I verged tears, I screamed, I smiled. It was incredible. I realized that my life is awesome. No, not perfect. Not always happy. But God’s hand is in everything I do. And He is super cool, so that makes my life super cool. The good, the bad, the pretty, the ugly. He has His hand on all of it.
A lot of the conversation centered around thanking Him for everything He has blessed me with. Family, friends, yadda yadda. I talked to Him about His will with my recent breakup. I know that He orchestrated everything in His timing. I have no doubts that whatever is to come is more exciting and incredible than I could ever imagine. I talked to Him about my future and we decided it’s probably better if He handles that, since He knows what’s best for me more than I do.
Which reminds me. While praying for a certain somebody and his future, I was also inclined to thank God for his mom. Look at how sweet this wonderful Christian woman is. Her son decides not to date me and here is how she responds:
Isn’t she a doll? This is yet another prayer that God answered in an unconventional way. I love it. :)
I’ve got some growing up to do
Just quickly…
I have this ideal in my head of what my “ideal” man is like. He loves God, he loves his family, he’s adorable (I don’t do the hunka-hunka thing), and he wants to be with me (obviously). Somewhere along the way I decided that I know what’s best for me over God. So I find this guy who fits my criteria. Hrm.
I should say more. This probably doesn’t make much sense to whoever may read this and when I look back someday and read it, I may not even know what I meant by any of this. But here is what I felt I needed to say:
He might fit into the “ideal man” model, but that doesn’t mean he’s ideal for you.
I was talking with a friend, whom I have been getting closer with, and we were comparing our recent experiences with boys. It was so odd the way everything they said and did matched up to one another. It made us giggle a bit because guys think they are so smooth and are pulling one over on womenfolk, but really, we normally have a grasp on the situation.
We also observed God guiding us through our breakups. Does God let them happen at certain times? Because there were plenty of opportunities for this to occur, but the timing for it was perfect. Weekend. At college. Things to do. Prepared. All of these things were factors in my “no crying” reaction. Plus he stole my thunder as a woman. Poo on you. And then she, having similar problems a few weeks ago, was praying for an out if that’s what God wante, and then she and this young man had a talk and the rest is history. God was in our relationships to the end. It’s nice to know he even cares about the breakup.
And you do what you want cause I’m not what you wanted
Sometimes we put too much stock in other human beings. We let ourselves get wrapped up in this other person and then they let us down. We come out feeling used, abused, and angry. Maybe, instead of focusing on the other person and their happiness, we should take a step back and observe our own. How are we feeling right now? What kind of problems that are affecting us are we ignoring?
I will be the first to admit that I jump in feet first. I throw caution to the wind and dive. That’s just how I think it should be done. All or nothing. I don’t live in a limbo land where there is doubt and confusion as to where feelings are. I hate that place. And when I am asked to hold back, I suffer.
So here’s to never suffering again. Here’s to carefully waiting until I find someone else to “throw caution to the wind” with. Here’s to never feeling used or under-appreciated again. I am holding out for my hero… it’s all in God’s hands.
I’m not who I thought I was 24 hours ago
As a girl who is/has been in relationships, I find myself, more often than not, saying “I don’t deserve to be treated this way. A guy should _____ (fill in the blank).” That blank is filled with so many things, for example: call me just to say hi, feel lucky to be dating me, or hold my hand while we frolic trough a park. Sometimes I wonder if this has to do with how little girls are brought up. Prince Charming rides in on his white horse to sweep the lovely princess off her feet and he cherishes her forever. My reality is more like: Girl waits around for guy to call while wondering what he’s doing dating her and stressing about the lack of communication between them both. Oh, how I wish there was a Prince just for me. Someone who thinks that it just doesn’t get any better than us.
I used to live my life by the mantra “could I tell my mom about this?” Well, this year that has been shot out the window. I don’t know when I became this person that I don’t even recognize. I used to be able to speak my mind, not matter what, and to follow my heart, no matter the consequence. Now I find myself in more and more positions thinking, “What did I do to get here? How can I get out?”
Obviously there’s a guy. And as painful as it is to admit it, he’s not sure where he stands on dating me. That is to say, we are dating, but he is not sure if that is what he wants. I care about him. Truly I do. The more I spend time with him, the more I care, and it sucks that I have to monitor my feelings so much. It’s probably better if I do.
God has been speaking to me in HUGE ways lately. And I’ve been doing my best to ignore Him. I’ll admit it. But things are slowly sorting themselves out. I’m trying to apply myself to the challenge brought to me at my grandma’s church: finding out what is keeping me from a close relationship from God, then re-prioritizing. Looking for moments where God wants me to choose Him and then actually choose Him.
Letting go… and letting God
Today I watched this girl let go of everything she knew and give her future to God. I am still in awe when I think of her and what she has done. We stood there in the registrar’s office.
“Music teaching practicum? Drop.”
“Sight singing? Drop.”
Drop. Drop. Drop. Drop.
Everytime she said that word, I could feel her heart falling. Blood pressure rising. Honestly, I was feeling the same way. This is such a big change. It’s so funny. Just when you think you have your whole life planned out for yourself, God goes and proves to you that he’s in charge. It’s right, though. He’s opened so many doors for this wonderful person. I can’t imagine giving God that much control in my life. I’m working to that point, but I am so scared to let go of the control. She is truly an inspiration to me.
Thinking back to last year, I would never have guessed that I would be learning so much about faith, patience, and God’s goodness from this girl. She has changed so much within the last year. It’s just incredible. I find myself going to her more and more for advice and guidance. Who would have thought? Definitely not either of us.
Do you ever feel stuck in a rut? Like no matter how hard you try to remedy the situation(s) at hand, there just seems to be no way out? I was talking to a friend today about relationships and ideals that have been challenged as a result. Whenever I think of the most wonderful, inspiring Christians I know, and I think about their life stories and how they got to where they are today, it seems like rock bottom is the only place you can go before finally seeing the light. I don’t want to hit that rock bottom.
“I think God is putting you in these situations because He wants you to choose Him.”
Ahhh. When she said this to me I thought: at least there is some method to this perceived madness. I know why I am feeling the way I am. I know what needs to be done to remedy the situation. The only problem is, I can never seem to bring myself to do what I need to do until the weight is so heavy I can’t bear to carry it anymore. Only this time, that won’t be happening. I have a habit of avoiding sticky situations. If the outcome is less than ideal in my mind, then I tend to react the way I want. All I can see is how my decisions affect me in the immediate future, and that never seems to look good. Well, God’s view of my future stretches far beyond what I can see right now. If I would just follow the example He is placing in front of me, so obviously I might add, I would definitely be happier right now.
This song has just been on my heart recently. I hope it touches you the way it has been touching me.
